Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it
was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will
merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for
about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of
Chanukah was becoming
prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,
we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality
service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is
being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A
great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidl will be the
more generic “Miraculous s**t happens.” In exchange, it is believed that
Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast
resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the
sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years
was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies
for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came
last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides
appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that,
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the
holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help
to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference
by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye